July 12, 2019
I just got hired (I’m waiting on the final paperwork) and my new manager asked me to write up a short bio to include in the announcement to the team.
I had just gone through the hiring process:
Even after all of that, I still panicked a little at the request for a bio.
Here’s what I sent in:
Michael Gradin graduated from Rutgers with a degree in Information Technology and Informatics and a specialization in Game Production.
After fifteen years with Rutgers’ OIT and OIRT departments, including a five year period as Sakai’s Help Desk manager, he joined the EdTech startup CodeCombat where he helped develop a classroom version of their online coding game.
He is a founding member of, and game designer for Quixotic Games, a local board game design studio where he has worked on more than 25 published board games.
He has also taught the Fundamentals of Game Design course for Raritan Valley Community College.
But before I sent it, a voice in my head popped up to ask:
Can I say that? Is that really true? Did I really do that?
All of the above is true, and was also on my resume, so it’s not even new information I’m sharing.
I hate any kind of self-promotion. My dislike is based on one part embarassment and several parts Imposter Syndrome.
Imposter Syndrome is this rediculous feeling that you are a fraud. That you don’t deserve to be where you are, and that you will be discovered at any moment and exposed as a fraud.
Wikipedia can define it better than I can:
Impostor syndrome … is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”. Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds, and do not deserve all they have achieved. Individuals with impostorism incorrectly attribute their success to luck, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent than they perceive themselves to be.
Imposter Syndrom can manifest in different ways. For me, it’s self-doubt popping up, after I’ve agreed to work on something, while I’m working on something, and even after I’ve successfully completed something.
Here’s a few examples of questions my Imposter Syndrome makes me ask myself:
Am I a Game Designer?
Am I an instructor?
Am I a good leader/manager?
Your successes become proof that you’re “just lucky” and your failures become proof that you were an imposter all along.
That questioning voice inside your head is the real imposter. It’s often been put there by someone in your past. Perhaps a little brother or sister, a terrible teacher, a miserable manager. It might not even have been put there by someone trying to harm you — in many cases, it’s the cause of a perfectionist parent.
“You can do better!” is sometimes a curse.
Somehow you’ve turned “fake it until you make it” on it’s head.
One way to treat it is to understand that many people also suffer from it.
A quick search for Imposter Syndrome on Twitter shows it’s a fairly common topic of conversation.
And, you can see many quotes from very successful actors, rock stars, writers, and even astronauts about suffering from Imposter Syndrome.
“Some years ago, I was lucky enough invited to a gathering of great and good people: artists and scientists, writers and discoverers of things. And I felt that at any moment they would realize that I didn’t qualify to be there, among these people who had really done things.
“On my second or third night there, I was standing at the back of the hall, while a musical entertainment happened, and I started talking to a very nice, polite, elderly gentleman about several things, including our shared first name. And then he pointed to the hall of people, and said words to the effect of, ‘I just look at all these people, and I think, what the heck am I doing here? They’ve made amazing things. I just went where I was sent.’
“And I said, ‘Yes. But you were the first man on the moon. I think that counts for something.’
“And I felt a bit better. Because if Neil Armstrong felt like an imposter, maybe everyone did. Maybe there weren’t any grown-ups, only people who had worked hard and also got lucky and were slightly out of their depth, all of us doing the best job we could, which is all we can really hope for.”
So if Neil Gaiman and Neil Armstrong feel like imposters, and we know they’re not, maybe we should realize we’re not imposters either (or everyone is and it doesn’t matter).
It’s rediculous but you have to regularly remind yourself that you have done what you have done but you should.
I’ve started a productivity log so I can see the work I’ve done and it’s harder for me to dismiss it.
How can you be an imposter AND also be good enough to fool everyone. What would they say if you told them you had fooled them?
Take “I don’t belong here” and change it into “I worked hard to get here,” wherever here may be. Your job, college, a performance, even possibly in a relationship.
There are many articles out there, but here are a couple I found and liked: